Day Three Hundred and Thirty-one - MST3K: Werewolf, "What is it with vaguely European productions?"

I want to feel bad for Joe Estevez as he's the obvious black sheep actor of the family. Where Martin, Charlie, and Emilio have had such grand careers, he's stuck in crappy films like Werewolf and Soultaker. Now, don't get me wrong, he adds a lot of comedic value to such movies, especially with the help of Mike and the Bots, but still... kinda depressing.

Set in the greater Flagstaff, AZ area, Werewolf first follows a half hour of skinwalker drama as a group of European scientists find the skeleton of a long dead lycanthrope and discover than not only is it real, but it has infected one of their Native American laborers. After a small mount of Howling-level wolf antics, the pictures nominal main character, the writer Paul (also European), who falls into the honeytrap of Natalie who falls into his lap and somehow gains the lycanthropy virus.

The villain, Yuri (who is cursed with both bad hair and lighting), spends a good half hour of the film "discovering" the particulars of the werewolf curse, stealing some lycan blood from the hospital and infecting a random (also European) security guard who apparently transforms while circling the block in "Flagstaff" (Glendale, California) due to the fact that he passes THE SAME GAS STATION half a dozen times. Talk about reusing your stock footage. It's pretty damn hilarious to watch him go through the transformation over the period of 5-10 minutes and freak out, killing himself in a fiery explosion.

There's also a hilarious sequence where film lead Paul, now a wurewelf (no, seriously, listen to Natalie pronounce it), starts dry humping his own bed in the throws of lunar fever. This tendency recurs when he kills some random couple in the middle of their foreplay on a muddy road. Well, he kills the girl, anyway, by giving her neck raspberries.

Werewolf is a crap movie that is made hilarious by Mike and the Bots. Keep an eye out for Militiaman Santa, the most effeminate biker ever, and that SAME DAMN GAS STATION! The inbetweeners are a bit hit or miss. The 50's love song with the guys in drag was blah, but Mike as a Were-Crow was freaking hilarious. All in all a worthy pick to have in rotation on Netflix.

Until tomorrow, Potatoes~

Day Three Hundred and Twenty-nine - MST3K: I Accuse My Parents, "Eleanor Roosevelt is PISSED!"

I'm not exactly the biggest fan of Joel (though I do love Godzilla vs. Megalon and Cave Dwellers), but I have to say that this is a strangely strong episode from his era.

It might have something to do with the fact that I'm a huuuuuuge lover of shorts. One of my main pleasures in life is winding down the night with a few of the plethora of shorts (educational or news reels) that Mike, Bill, and Kevin over at Rifftrax produce. In this old episode, Joel and the bots watch an interesting little piece about Truck Farming from the 50's. While it's a bit more pointed an issue of late, the plight of immigrant workers, it's kind of fun to watch MST3K lampshade the issue that the serial tries to gloss over.

When the movie gets started proper there's a bit of a downturn due to the fact there's intensely heavy moralizing over drinking and the like, but the guys manage to eek out quite a few one-liners at the expense of the protagonist of I Accuse My Parents, a high schooler who is able to get into night clubs and lie to pretty much every one he meets over the condition of his home life (his parents are bitter lushes).

With a parade of squeaky-clean-looking, but painfully corrupt and awkward ne'erdowells, IAMP is a cautionary tale that seems to be made by uptight church-going folk who really have no idea what nightclubs, loose women, and criminals are like. It's even accidentally hilarious without the commentary from the MSTie crew... not unlike Reefer Madness, in that regard.

I'm a bit confused as to why this is all the fault of the parents, considering the dark lengths film villain Charlie goes to in order to ruin the young loverbird's life, but whatever. At least Joel and the Bots are on my side in that regard. What's even sadder is how everything is just fine and dandy at the religious diner. No questions, room and board, all for the cost of a church-going existence. Talk about your moralizing... and at such a late stage in the movie, too.

There has to be a school or genre that films like this fall into, but I'll be damned if I can make the connection. I honestly think the only thing missing is a pair of hard boiled G-men out to squash the lowlives and pontificate on the woes of misspent youth... but, at least, there's the hilarious scam check from the second club that is populated with Filet Mignon and Lobster Dinners.

As far as the inbetweener sketches, I really liked Gypsy recreating romantic interest Kitty's song routine... but not so much for the Mads, as much as I like TV's Frank and Dr.Forrester, their invention and ending bits aren't all that thrilling.

At the end of the day, MST3K:IAMP is yet another fun ride with my only wish being that the ENTIRETY of the series was available instead of these five or six episode rotations that flow through on a quarterly basis.

Until tomorrow, Potatoes~

Day Three Hundred and Twenty-six - MST3K: The Beginning of the End, "Yay! More Riffs on Netflix!"

It's hard to imagine that Peter Graves was in a giant grasshopper movie back in the 50's.

Well, wait. Actually, it isn't that hard to imagine Peter Graves in a giant grasshopper movie in the 50's. After all, his Airplane co-star Leslie Nielsen was similarly in another 50's era B-movie scifi classic: Forbidden Planet.

Still, I think Leslie got the better end of the deal... and Graves more than made up for this drek during his tenure as Mr.Phelps on the Mission:Impossible series. Cheese, to be sure, but classy cheese.

Anyways, The Beginning of the End has Graves staring as a bug scientist who is assisting a deaf-mute plant scientist in growing overly large strawberries and tomatoes in the hopes of ending world hunger. Sure, you can't eat their efforts yet, what with the fact that they're fertilized with radioactive manure (no, seriously), but they have high hopes for the future... if it wasn't for the fact that some of the locusts that fed off of the giant plants are themselves muting and turning into giant, town-destroying people eaters!

RUN! It's the INVASION OF THE GIANT GRASSHOPPERS! Somebody find those industrious ants to hurry along the coming of winter and freeze the evil, lazy grasshoppers out! No pity food for you this year, slacker!

It's sad... I had such high hopes for the intrepid female reporter lead, but she takes a side-seat to Peter Graves' scientist role almost the moment he shows up twenty minutes into the film. What's the point of setting up an independent, smart, adventurous woman if you're just going to foist her off in favor of a stereotyped dominant male? It's depressing how easily they fall for each other, embracing tenderly whenever things look grim in the last half hour in between moments of bravado and SCIENCE on behalf of Graves.

Harrumph.

This is an early Mike episode and you can tell that he's still trying to find his way around his main host duties. Still, even his weak start is better than most of Joel's best, but that's a matter of opinion and taste. I'm sure there are plenty of Joel fans who think I have none of those, so there you go.

There's not much to say about the inbetweeners as they're pretty lame (also, my opinion), The Mads try to combat the impression that they're sissy boys who are worried about their figures and waiting for women-oriented talk shows to come on by throwing on "the game" and boxing each other. Not all that funny, really. And then there's Tom Servo's stand up comedy routine that doesn't even make me crack a smile, and Crow's fifteen act play about Peter Graves which is just Peter Graves narrating his life while letting you know every other line that he's Peter Graves. Peter Graves? Peter Graves. Yes, there IS such a thing as too on the nose and that skit managed it.

While it's not the best episode of MST3k, it's not terrible. I'd certainly watch it over Doctor Who (and DID). By the by, happy early 50th anniversary, Doc. Maybe I'll watch you again tomorrow and finish up that Cybermen two-parter from yesterday.

Until tomorrow, Potatoes~

Day Two Hundred and Sixty - MST3K: The Touch of Satan, "ZAA!"

When they say a "Touch of Satan" they really mean just a light dusting... as there isn't so much as a goat hoof or pentagram to be found in this seventies love story about a witch, her would be hipster lover, and her apple granny doll grandma/sister. Still, that doesn't stop Mike and the Bots from riffing the hell out of this cheese-fest and its random murders, stake burnings, and fish ponds.

Set in what I can only assume is rural California (due to the constant San Francisco reminders) where Jodie Lee Thompson (Michael Berry), who IS a guy... don't let the name fool you... is on a road trip across the state on a journey of self-discovery. Jodie randomly turns down a country road (after belittling a local hillbilly's vocabulary) and meets a mousy, farm girl type who strikes his fancy. Her name happens to be Melissa (Emby Mellay) and her family are the local outcasts as everyone thinks that she's been trafficking with the Devil... even her.

Of course, its obvious by the murder plot and all the religious superstition that she actually IS a witch, but Jodie will hear none of it, no matter how many bodies pile up.

The movie is silly dreck, which is just perfect for Mike and the Bots... and Touch of Satan has quite a few of my favorite inbetweeners, such as Tom Servo's crazy, homicidal grandmother (I didn't even know he had a grandmother) and Beth "Beez" McKeever, the propmaster of MST3K, showing up as Brain Guy and Bobo's babysitter, treating the grown man and ape as a child and dog respectively.

Joke standouts revolve around the pond "where the fish lives," the public domain hymnal usage of Amazing Grace, and Mike and the Bots being constantly on 70's alert for bit actors and stereotypes of the era.

I can't really say that The Touch of Satan is the best episode of MST3K available right now, that title (of course) belongs to Soultaker, but it's definitely better than Pod People, and you'd be hard pressed to actually find a bad episode of MST3K... just saying.

The series has and always will make me laugh, I'm just sad that this is the last one for a while, though I hear several more episodes will be available in the next few months. Here's hoping they come right quick as watching Mystery Science Theater 3000 is one of the best uses of Netflix that I can think of!

Quick shoutout to Robert Easton, who plays the mob leader during the flashback sequence. Did you know he played the Klingon judge in Star Trek: The Undiscovered Country? I sure didn't. Kudos to him!

Oh, and "ZAA" everybody... "ZAA, indeed!"

Until tomorrow, Potatoes~

Day Two Hundred and Fifty-three - MST3K: Gamera, "KEENNNNYYYYY!"

So, yeah... got sent home early due to flooding in the high desert. Seems Mother Nature decided to give our little mesa town its entire allotment of moisture for the year in a single day. The break let me take a long nap and still have time for an evening Couchbound with Netflix.

Tonight, I definitely felt in the mood for quick laughs at the expense of terrible science fiction... and I got it in the form of Joel and the Bots taking on the DAIEI Studios Godzilla-ripoff, Gamera. The giant turtle kaiju who is the subject of a series of monster films in Japan, Gamera jets across the planet going everywhere, eating the heat off the flames of destruction he wreaks upon the various cities of the world.

It's your typical setup... nuclear explosions wake up the giant monster, who basically destroys everything it can save for an annoying little Japanese boy with a tortoise fetish named Kenny. It's hilarious, they manage to keep the Japanese surnames of everyone involved (particularly the film's genius zoologist, Dr. Hidaka), but everyone gets an anglo first name to make it easier on the American voice actors.

Anyways, the scientists throw darts at an idea board to try and stop Gamera's rampage while the Japanese army takes its orders from a lowly zoologist and his daughter (who still calls him Doctor every chance she gets). Kenny manages to sneak into army bases, oil refineries, and even super-secret multinational rocket facilities, all so he can catch another glimpse of his best friend... the 60-meter tall turtle from hell.

Joel and the Bots are in fine form for this episode, throwing out wise cracks about everything from the Exxon Valdez to Kissinger to Kentucky Fried Chicken (as there's a scientist who quite literally could double as the Japanese Colonel Sanders). As usual, most of the inbetweeners are dumb, but there's a nice little bit where Mike Nelson visits the hexfield screen as Gamera, himself.

Usually Joel episodes have a tendency to put me to sleep, but that's not the case here. Just about every comment is pithy and spot on, and those that only make glancing blows are still worth a smile at the very least.

Quick shout out to Japanese character actor Bokuzen Hidari, who was Farmer Yohei in Kurosawa's The Seven Samurai. It's always good to see him as he has such a wonderful panic face.

While I really wish Godzilla vs. Megalon was available on Netflix (or DVD) as an episode of MST3K, I realize that the rights issues are a problem as always, Toho films guarding their properties zealously. Seriously, if anybody has a DVD of that one from the 1st edition Vol. 10 set, let me know.

Until tomorrow, Potatoes~

Day Two Hundred and Forty-seven - MST3K: The Final Sacrifice, "Rowsdower... ZAP Rowsdower!"

It's hard to imagine that an ancient doomsday cult would be looking for their Lost City of Gold(en painted cardboard) in the middle of Canada.

Really hard.

Still, Tjardus Greidanus (yes, that IS the name of the writer/director) seemed to think it would go over well enough to make a feature out of... a feature with a proto-goth/hipster villain and wave after wave of swarthy Canadian cultists dressed only in jeans, tank tops, and ski masks. I still can't decide which look was more effective... the cultists wielding machetes or the cultists brandishing WW2 era firearms?

Pearl and Brain Guy picked a doozy of a stinker for Mike and the Bots to watch, though they definitely manage to hold their own against the DEEP HURTING. There are more than a few laugh out loud moments peppered throughout the film, though I think my favorites revolve around young protagonist Troy (a stick insect of a boy) and his weaselly way of shouting out Canadian action star Zap Rowsdower's name. 

I mean, with a name like Rowsdower, he has to be tough, right? His peers wouldn't let him survive any other way.

The story, what little there is, pretty much unravels in the second to third act transition when it's necessary to get some exposition from grizzled mountain man Mike Pipper (he worked with Troy's dead father trying to research the cult) who just so happens to miraculously live in the cabin that Troy and Rowsdower hide from the cultists in. Talk about your sparsely populated countries (or horrible plot contrivances) when a plot stick crawls out of the attic right in front of you.

While I think I could watch certain MST3K films on their own without commentary, The Final Sacrifice is just too stupid to survive without help. Luckily Mike and the Bots have a good set of jokes to work with. It's not as strong a comedic showing as, say, Soultaker, but they definitely get the job done... and even throw in a Twin Peaks reference!

As far as the commercial break sketches, I'm really not convinced by Pearls attempts to conquer the world one person at a time, but the Hockey Hair bits were cute. This is especially true whenever Bobo whines for attention and goodies, a role that Kevin has done well in other episodes like with the Babysitter and Brain Guy.

All in all, The Final Sacrifice rates higher than Pod People, about the same as Gamera (which we'll get to soon) and more than a fair bit below Soultaker. Worth the watch, for sure, but definitely not the best.

Until tomorrow, Potatoes~

Day Two Hundred and Thirty-seven - MST3K: Soultaker, "Your Mom is WEIRD!"

This has to be my favorite episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000... and my sister's too, I think.

During the tape circulating days, this was the one my sister and I watched the most, then it took forever to find it on DVD because Rhino was only barely putting box sets out and they did so in random order. When it did release, though, you can be sure that I was there as soon as the stores opened that Tuesday (which is when most new releases have their street date in America) and bought that box immediately.

I've forced my friends to watch Soultaker so much that I've literally burned them out on MST3K, such that I'm immediately shouted down whenever I suggest kicking back with Mike and the Bots on a Saturday night. Sure, it might have something to do with the fact that they're all in serious relationships and I'm sitting here alone with my Netflix, but the world (and my self-esteem) may never know.

And, now, it's on the Instant Stream. I think that my social life, what little there was left of it, is doomed.

Anyways, on to the movie, itself....

Soultaker is a b-movie from 1990 "starring" Joe Estevez (brother to Martin Sheen) as a Grim Reaper who must harvest the souls of the recently dead else they be lost to the void. To do so, he pulls their ectoplasm into tiny glowstick rings, all while doing a horrible Johnny Cash impersonation (not really, but the Guys point it out and it's hard not to laugh and nod).

He's just the villain, actually, as the true main characters are Zack and Natalie, a pair of low-rent star-crossed lovers who are more Saved by the Bell than Romeo and Juliet. It seems that their souls are up for the taking after getting into a car wreck thanks to their frenemy Brad's vehicular homicide. Their spirits ejected from their injured bodies, they're left confused when Joe Estevez begins stalking the pair and their friends... and re-killing each in turn.

I don't know how it works as Soultaker is so full of plotholes that it deserved to be given the MSTie treatment and, like any episode of the show, the glory isn't in the movie, itself, but the jokes Mike and the Bots lay on top of it. Lines like, "If I die, I'm going to die eating string cheese and Fruitopia," and, "I want the soul of that stuffed bunny in the window."

The jokes often revolve around the financial disparity between Zack and Natalie, as well as Vivian Schillings passing resemblance to Tonya Harding. Hearing Crow mock Natalie's frustration with a petulant "but my SKATE BROKE. WAA!" makes for instant, uncontrollable fits of laughter on my part... even watching it alone and sober.

Natalie is played by Vivian Schilling who wrote the film... which makes her awesome and terrible at the same time. It's an admirable effort for a straight to video b-movie, as it managed to pull it not one (Joe Estevez) but two (Robert Z'dar) terrible movie staples from the 80's and 90's. I think it only could've been better (or, perhaps, worse) if they'd gotten Traci Lords and Jeffrey Combs to come along for the ride.

I think I should make a quick mention of the elephant in the room of this film, Robert Z'dar. I know, it's mean, but the guy's face is ginormous! I don't feel quite so bad as Mike and the Bots waste no time riffing on that fact, but every time I laugh I still feel a bit guilty. Another of his appearances made MST3K as well, Future War, and he's just as huge.

It should also be noted that, during the inbetweeners, MST's original host (and creator) Joel Hodgson makes a cameo appearance (as his character Joel Robinson) along with old villain TV's Frank (played by Frank Coniff). This was the first episode of the LAST season of MST3K and it was nice to see them both after they split years ago. My only regret is that Trace Beaulieu didn't make an appearance as an alt-universe Crow/Dr.Clayton Forrester so the whole gang could be back together.

Ah, well....

Soultaker is one of the best terribad movies that MST3K has had the privilege of riffing and that I've had the privilege of watching... over and over and over again. I recommend it, certainly, but mileage may vary (as my friends would no doubt testify to).

Until tomorrow, Potatoes~

Day Two Hundred and Thirty-five - MST3K: Pod People, "'Chief?' 'McCloud?'"

Finally, for the first time in what seems like years, regular episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000 are showing back up on the stream. Don't get me wrong, I love MST3K:The Movie and its lambasting of cult scifi classic, This Island Earth, but you can only watch so many times in short order before it becomes stale.

This episode, Pod People, looks to be a cheap European horror flick that is miles away from Argento and more closer to Alf or Mac & Me. Set in "The Deep Woods" that conveniently become impossible to leave, thanks to a never seen avalanche, the Pod People (which neither come from pods nor are much in the way of people) set themselves upon several groups of folks out living the country life: some rough poachers, a family living in a fortress, and a group of musicians on vacation.

It seems that a meteor has crashed in the woods and laid some eggs. Don't ask why, just go with it. Anyways, one of the eggs hatches and gets its first contact with man at the end of a closed fist, which sends it on a rampage of killing. Another of the eggs is found and taken home by young Tommy, one of the fortress folk, who has a penchant for animals. He hatches the egg and teaches Trumpy (who looks like a cross between an Ewok and the Elephant Man) the power of kindness.

As the first alien's bodycount rises, it becomes harder and harder for Tommy to hide Trumpy, who grows from six inches to a full meter overnight. There's whimsy as Trumpy shows off his preternatural powers of telekinesis and mystery as Trumpy instantly becomes the suspect of murder when the first, unnamed alien infiltrates the fortress and kills young backup singers in the shower.

Eventually, everything comes to a head when Trumpy and Tommy try to escape to the woods but are confronted by the evil alien... who is then shot down like a dog while Trumpy and Tommy have their Yearling/White Fang moment of separation.

To me, the idea of a child in an Alf costume wandering the forests of Spain is at times comforting. For the most part, though, this is a tough movie to swallow... even with Joel and the bots riffing it. Honestly, the jokes only start picking up towards the second act when Trumpy has grown and the boys start giving him an internal monologue. My favorite scene has Trumpy going down the line of pets that Tommy keeps in cages calling everything some variation of "potatoe."

Seriously, it slays me.

I think the plot point that bothers me the most is the inexplicable Big Dipper constellation that shows up on all of the victims. It isn't explained in anyway other than through implication that the aliens come from its general direction. Why they mark their kills with it (and how they would even KNOW that constellation seeing as how they just GOT to Earth) is beyond me... and everyone, really.

The inbetweener skits are meh, but that's a problem with much of Joel's run as host for the show. He was a bit too laid back (and possibly high) to really bring the laughs... but it's still an okay episode, just not one of the best.

I can't wait till next time I review a Mystie epi as I think that I'll be doing Soultaker with Joe Estevez!

Until tomorrow, Potatoes~

Day One Hundred - Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie, "Isn't the fact that it's Universal make it International?"

Wow... 100 days of Netflix.

It feels like I started only yesterday with Day One and Hardware... but also like I've been doing this forever. That's the thing with memory: it exists in both states at once, a kind of quantum uncertainty as our time-sense flickers back and forth.

I'm also living in a weird sort of dual state where I'm both burnt out on media and loving every second of the old favorites and new material that Netflix has brought to me with their streaming package.

In any case, Day One Hundred rolled around and I began to feel the need to be meta... so I chose the only theatrical release of my second favorite television show of all time, Mystery Science Theater.

(The first is, of course, Pushing Daisies which is, sadly, not available on streaming).

Back to the matter at hand... sure, the closing trio of MST3k (Mike, Bill, and Kevin) have been doing one of its two spiritual successors (Rifftrax) live every year, broadcasting in specially streaming theaters across the nation, but it's just not the same without the shadows of Mike (or Joel), Crow, and Tom Servo taking up the bottom third of the screen and adding the occasional physical dynamic to the commentary comedy.

MST3k: The Movie takes most of the silver age cast (including Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy, and Trace Beaulieu) and streamlines the premise of the television series in order to widen the audience and generally introduce the characters and their situation to movie-goers who might not have had the privilege of knowing about MST3k's days on Comedy Central and KTMA.

Trapped in space, Mike Nelson and his Robot Pals (Tom Servo, Crow, and Gypsy) are forced to watch bad movies by their captor, Dr.Clayton Forrester... a would be mad scientist. All of that is just window dressing, though, as the point of the movie (and the series) is a couple of guys getting together and riffing on the cheesy scifi, adventure, and horror films of yesteryear.

MST3k:The Movie chose to riff the classic scifi film This Island Earth, a silly little feature by today's standards that actually had decent effects for its era and tried to rise above its cheesy pulp fiction plot (not very successfully).

Let's just say that it's no Forbidden Planet.

Set in the post-war Americana of the 50's where scifi was all about the Other and the Atomic Age, This Island Earth on its own reminds me of those early comics that played fast and loose with credulity, relying on the most fantastic things they could put to paper and screen.

With the guys adding flavor via their meta-humor (about Meta-Luna, no less~), the movie is pulled up by its dated bootstraps and becomes golden once more. Everything from high-brow political humor to Trek jokes to the crass recurring fart gag, there's something for everyone in the jokes that Mike and the Bots casually lay over This Island Earth's original audio track.

The films, both old and new, are certainly rough... and the added budget of a whole new set and higher quality film and cameras kind of ruins the nostalgic, homespun feel that the series brought. To be honest, that was a lot of the appeal, that notion that a couple of folks with a peanuts budget could put together a consistently fun public-access style show. Seeing it brought up to the cinema level loses all that.

Still, MST3k: The Movie is one of the greatest geek films of all time both for its actual content and for the faction of riffing geekdom that it represents. My only regret is that my mother absolutely hates MST and the show (and my love for it) has been a point of contention between us since I first started watching it in the 90's. It's a small bone to pick, but it's there... lying dormant until my reflexes kick in on movie night and I utter an off-color joke.

Until tomorrow, Potatoes~