Day One Hundred and Ninety-five - The Expendables 2, "Oh, look at all the CGI blood, tanks, and helicoptors!"

The first Expendables was enough in my book... but, obviously, they made enough that a second was in the cards, grabbing aging stars and macho men alike for a treatise maximus of gun porn where bad guys die by the dozens and the only friendly casualty is the new kid who telegraphed his exit by giving a cliche life goal, two days from retirement.

Ugh.

Seriously, it's movies like this that make me sad for the state of the film industry.

With absolutely no characterization or development aside from "*grunt* Stallone SMASH," The Expendables 2 is just a series of poorly conceived action set-pieces strung together where the good guys have dead-eye aim and the bad guys can't hit the broadside of a barn. I was literally expecting JCVD's team of eurotrash mercenaries to show up at some point in black painted Stormtrooper armor, their aim was so terrible.

Not only that, though, but the big name cameos are there strictly so one-liners from movies past... actually DECENT movies past... can be bounced off each other without the slightest bit of irony.

I mean, seriously? "Yippie-kai-yay?" "I'll be back?" "Terminated?" It's not even cute.

I also hate the way the lower tier buff dudes of the crew, Randy Couture and Terry Crews are relegated to the background. At the very least, Crews has a lot more chops than the film gives him credit for, instead saving a lot of the filler time for walking meat-slab Dolph Lundgren. I would much rather see the former on The Newsroom than the latter with JCVD in whichever incarnation of Universal Soldier they manage to find investors to bilk for.

Methinks the icing on the poison-filled cake for me was when Chuck Norris swaggered on into the picture to save the day in the middle of the second act only to swagger back out after spouting a few internet jokes. Of course he shows up again for the climax, but why spoil a perfectly horrendous movie by sticking to its own establish continuity ("He works alone..." 'cept when he doesn't wanna.)?

The Expendables 2 is definitely a paycheck movie for the copious action stars that fill its ranks, but not so much for the CGI artists in charge of everything from blood spatter to actual vehicles. When you make a feature like this, you shouldn't have effects that look like they belong in whatever Shark Vs. movie that SyFy puts out every week.

If you're looking for any sort of quality... stay far, far away from The Expendables 2. If, on the other hand, your sole purpose for being is to see god-mode matches of Modern Warfare play out, it's probably right up your alley... and I'll just have no respect for you, then.

Until tomorrow, Potatoes~

Day One Hundred and Eighty - The Longest Yard, "It's like The Replacements... but with no heart or tact."

There's just something about Adam Sandler that spoils movies... he honestly hasn't made a decent one since Punch-Drunk Love and The Wedding Singer.

I can't tell if its just that he's out of ideas, considering this is just a flimsy remake of a classic film, or if he surrounds himself with terrible writers and pitch-men. Either way, what should've been at least a decent update instead was an unbalanced, top heavy crapfest.

Taking the lead role once held by costar Burt Reynolds, Sandler plays ex-footballer Crewe who is sent to prison for parole violations and forced to put together a team of cons to fight the Warden's (James Cromwell) guards who are all semi-pro.

I mean, it's Texas... and they take their football seriously there.

Perhaps, too seriously.

Anyway, with the help of former Heisman winner Scarborough (Reynolds) and prison scrounger Caretaker (Chris Rock), Crewe manages to win over the toughest cons with the biggest grudges, all to take on the sadistic guards.

It's formula, for the most part... and that's kind of the problem, because they don't stick to it, instead inserting your typical Sandlerian comedy beats that just ruin key moments. I was especially mad at point late in the third act where Sandler has his old standby Rob Schnieder do his apparently contractually obligated "You can DO EET" moment that just immediately pulls you entirely out of the film.

As much as the movie is filled with great characters and subsequent character potential, it's hindered by the need to be ridiculous. I mean, honestly, Terry Crews is a physical comedy genius, but making his gimmick entirely about McDonalds? Pathetic. It's great to see old hats like Bob Sapp and Michael Irvin, but they're used so disappointingly.

Honestly, the only redeeming feature of the film is the soundtrack... which was like listening to what Madden has been doing for the past decade, giving a great combination of solid Rock, Techno, and Hiphop.

If you're looking for a much better zero-to-hero football movie, I'd definitely recommend The Replacements or Varsity Blues over this.

Until tomorrow, Potatoes~