Day One Hundred and Eighty-eight - BONES: Season 2, Episode 9, "Occasionally, hate-watching pays off."

It should come as no surprise to most of my regular readers that I hate BONES... and that I hate-watch BONES... and that my mission is to get at least to the Stephen Fry guest spots.

Well, that hasn't happened yet, but I still soldier on, coming back to the series for some pain-binging every once in a while.

Today, I was actually surprised... not by the blah mystery or the leads (Deschanel and Boreanaz), but by the performance of nominal support character TJ Thyne, who plays Hodgins on the show.

A lot of the fandom for the show, when it doesn't orbit the Moonlighting Syndrome of Booth and Brennan, revolves around Hodgins and his courtship with the emotive and sensual Angela (Michaela Conlin). At this point in the series the two have gone on a date that was "too good" and Angela has rejected him. It's obvious, though, that he can never go back to just friends.

While I'm not a fan of the instant "you're alive!" kiss at the end of the episode, which feels like a cheat to throw the two together via near-death experience (Hello? Speed, anyone?), I do really like the cathartic moments that Hodgins has while buried alive with Temperance.

His emotes, his painful screams, his tears and sobs... very well acted by TJ Thyne. Honestly, his performance during the entirety of those segments of the episode are the best acting that I've seen in this entire... freaking... series.

Yes, it's a far too easy and convenient way to wrap up the tension between Angela and Hodgins, but I'll take any small victories that I can get from this series at this point.

So, nothing left to do but keep putting one metaphorical foot in front of the other, step by step, episode by episode, until I reach my cut off point. Well, that and hope that Pushing Daisies joins Netflix sometime in the near future. I'd much rather that quirky procedural to this one.

Until tomorrow, Potatoes~

Day One Hundred and Fifty-one - BONES: Season 1, Episode 19, "Who do that Voodoo that you do so weeeeeelllllll~"

I think I may have found my zen center when it comes to BONES.

I only watch it now when one of two conditions are met: either I'm already drunk (or well on my way to a buzz) or I'm in the mood to make an impromptu Rifftrax out of my evening's viewings.

Both of these are pretty much necessity by this point because I can't watch this show and take it seriously anymore... it's just too preposterous, especially if you take this particular episode as an example. Why? Because it's the voodoo one.

Seriously. Voodoo.

It's not like I fault them for it. It actually looks like the writers are trying to give an actual serious explanation of the religion without resorting to cheese and hokum. Both the positive and negative aspects are presented via a case of ritualistic murder where Tempy is the main suspect in a killing... you know, considering she wakes up covered in blood and without memory of her past two days.

That aside, though... BONES is just patently ridiculous.

Evidence tampering, illegal investigations, lack of recusing due to conflict of interest... this episode in particular highlights all the things that are completely unbelievable and could be forgiven in singular instances, but not as a pattern of behavior for anyone. It would be one thing if the series was based off of Kathy Reichs' books, but the show explicitly says it's based off her actual life.

Sure. Whatever, guys.

It's also ridiculous that a random comment about Brennan and Angela's heights being larger than Hodgin's is what spurs the groundwork for his courting of the latter. I mean we go from a joke to him jonesing on her in one quick step? Stop being so damn lazy.

You know, I love strong female protagonists... but Tempy is not a good example. Nor is Angela. And Booth is not a good male role model, nor is Hodgins or Zack. The closest the entire cast comes in that regard lies in Dr.Goodman... and, from what I hear, he gets booted next season. Blech.

I think I'd much rather be watching Fringe for its strong female lead... and I will, soon. But I promised myself I'd get to the episodes of BONES with Stephen Fry. I shall not break that promise.

My only hope is that I don't run out of Canadian Mist and Diet Coke Lime before then.

Until tomorrow, Potatoes~

Day One Hundred and Forty - BONES: Season 1, Episode 17, "Someone, please make the hurting stop."

Alright, I admit that I'm thoroughly Bones-hostile at this point... but, despite my quest for Fry, I am all but ready to throw in the towel with this episode.

First of all, it's set in New Mexico and written by someone who obviously hasn't spent any amount of time here. Second, it features a white-man hocking imitation native silverwork overseas, several hip-chic ranch houses and trailers, an anglo sheriff with a native half-sister who doubles as a model, and... to cap it all off, a vision quest in the desert.

You have GOT to be kidding me.

It would be one thing if they didn't traverse the state in ridiculous fashion, flying into Santa Fe to get to the "remote" county where Michaela Conlin's Angela is vacationing, driving for hours only to end up "Five days from the Highway and three days from Mexico."

Really? Three days walking will get you to Mexico? From the High Desert around Santa Fe?

Even if we consider that they drove for five hours, on back country roads, all around the wilderness, they managed to get so far out into the Southern Desert that they're closer to Mexico than the Highway? "Oh, Albuquerque and Santa Fe are in the same state? Let's just name drop those places as proof that we're in New Mexico."

Lord, save me from writers who have no earthly idea what they are talking about.

As far as mystery goes, I've long since given up any hope that Bones will present a smart case. That's not the end of the world, though, as I love Castle to death and it's the same way. Fortunately for Castle, it has much more in the way of witty banter and actor chemistry. Unfortunately for Bones, it's just more of the same "awkward smart girl with her everyman FBI partner."

Even with Michaela Conlin along for the ride, doing her best impression of an Urban Outfitters model in their Indian Chic line, it's hard to swallow pretty much everything about this episode.

This is especially true since it's supposed to be an Angela-centric plot that not only introduces and immediately murders the boyfriend she's supposedly had for THREE YEARS without ever touching on it in any previous episodes (so, literally NO background), but we're expected to swallow all of that AND the fact that they were totally in love, but she wasn't ready for a commitment.

It's like throwing several different lifetime movie plots into the supporting background of an episode's A-story (the B-story being some weird thing where the Jeffersonian people are trying to goad the awkward one into moving on with his life). Well, now that I think about it... it could totally be just a single lifetime movie plot.

I think the worst thing about the entire episode was when Angela had a ghost vision of the walking cliche, the missing native-american-trail-guide/super-hot-model, pointing Bones & Co. in the direction of where to find the still alive magic-injun girl... with not a spot of dirt on her clothes when they find her... after spending almost a week in the desert, sleeping rough and hiking towards civilization.

I'm starting to reach Dr.Who:First Season levels of hurt... the only thing, and I mean ONLY thing, keeping me going in this series is the freaking Stephen Fry guest spot that STILL HASN'T HAPPENED YET.

*sob*

Somebody, please... please, make this hurting stop.

Until tomorrow, Potatoes~

Day One Hundred and Twenty-nine - BONES: Season 1, Episode 14, "About as smooth as a frozen pig through a wood chipper."

I still don't get the appeal of Bones.

It's an average-in-every-way procedural that has nothing really "wow"-worthy in terms of cinematography, writing, or acting. It's character development is so far only episodic, facing new and different resets at each forty minute mark.

Granted, it looks like the writers are trying to lace some threads for future storylines, doing some early groundwork for Bones' missing parents, but the way it's presented makes it feel like every other relationship non-entity in the series.

Blech.

This episode mostly follows a trio of bone fragments found under the smoking ruin of a private jet carrying Chinese diplomats. The fragments have nothing to do with the plane crash, but Temperance and her team want to run it anyway because the crash was accidental and the bone fragments indicate a several year old murder has been committed.

Enter a one-off McDreamy insert who has his own compelling story and ample personal drive to both catch Tempy's sympathy and, perhaps, a small amount of desire. Since its Temperance and he's a one-off, I was totally expecting them to fall into bed at some point, but it seems like while she has no small amount of empathy for the guy, it's not a rip his clothes off sort of thing.

I kind of wonder about that, really. The whole possible attraction thing seemed like an excuse to throw in some Angela lines as apparently it is her quest to get Tempy laid (why don't any of my friends have the same mission? >_<). Since it doesn't go anywhere... and pretty much isn't mentioned at any point by anybody after that, I have to wonder if I was right.

Any excuse for Michaela Conlin to go all "RAWRR," I suppose.

As with the most Bones episodes, overall it's just meh mysteries with little to no character arc'ing... which is pretty much the reason I hate procedurals now. At one point, there is even a cliche CSI moment where they toss a frozen pig into a wood chipper more as a stunt than for evidence reasons (seriously, you DON'T need an empirical test to estimate ejection speeds and dispersal patterns). And they did it right outside the Smithsonian, excuse me, Jeffersonian, in the parking lot.

Ugh.

The least they could do is hurry up and get someone laid. I don't care who at this point... let's start from the ground up and make Zack a man.

Until tomorrow, Potatoes~

Day One Hundred and Twenty-two - BONES: Season 1, Episode 13, "Oh, Temperance... is there no one you won't goad into taking a swing at you?"

It's been a few weeks since I subjected myself to my ongoing cathartic purge of BONES, so I decided to wind down after a night of gaming with friends to a single episode of the eponymous series.

I think that I'm firmly in the "hostile" zone when it comes to BONES, and I also think that it has less and less to do with my own past hangups with the series and more to do with just how "meh" it is.

For one thing, there's a lot of "tell" in this episode and not enough "show." Granted, in typical BONES-ian fashion, the Jeffersonian crew spend a lot of time kvetching over the remains of a young woman in hopes of finding who killed her and why, but there are several instances of Temperance monologuing to her friends and colleagues instead of demonstrating.

Take, for instance, the bonding quips between Bones and Booth: they center around a book that Temperance has read off screen in an effort to develop a better rapport with her partner. It's a good idea for the character, since she's a rationalist who has to read, learn, and build her knowledge-base instead of just observing and mimicry like the rest of us, but the very least they could have done was show her actually READING said book, not just obliquely reference it several times over the course of the hour.

Then there's the kidnapping confession Tempy gives to Angela concerning her time in the wilds of Central America. It's a bare minimum scene which is supposed to deepen the audiences' empathy with her, but instead of intercutting some flashback sequences, it's just a simple conversation in an office with little to no real emotional impact. Emily Deschanel works it as much as she can with tremors and strain in her voice, but it's pretty much a wasted effort.

At least, for me.

I think what really irks me about this episode, and the show overall, are the dozens of times (seems like, anyway) that they write in moments for Brennan to taunt some lowlife jerk into laying a hand on her so she has the excuse to lay on some minor beatdown. Yes, she is being technically assaulted, but a hand on one's arm... especially when she's pushing their buttons... it just feels like cheating to insert some quick action and drama into the scene.

And I find that lazy as hell.

BONES isn't a great procedural. I really don't understand how it has lasted as long as it has considering how boring it can be. Sure, the production value is pretty decent (if you forget how cheesy the mist hologram looks), but the character arcs are typically slow and understated and the crimes-of-the-week are lacking.

Maybe I'm just done with procedurals as a whole, since all I care about are gags, gimmicks, and shippage, but still... I feel like they could do better.

Until tomorrow, Potatoes~

Day Ninety-nine - BONES: Season 1, Pilot, "Yet another procedural... but LOOK, quirky characters!"

Full disclosure, I have a complicated mental history when it comes to Bones.

You'd think, given how much of a fan I am of Boreanaz from his days on Buffy and Angel, that I would've jumped on the Bones bandwagon almost immediately. Unfortunately for the show, when it debuted in the mid-2000's, I didn't have good broadcast television... or cable... or home internet.

I also was in a strange sort of on and off again pseudo-relationship with a woman obsessed with the show. Due to how poisonous my relationship with her was (she also put me off True Blood and never gave back my Firefly box set), I always associated Bones with negative emotions.

As such, I was never really interested in the show... and certainly didn't go out of my way to put it in my queue.

That said, the thing that changed my mind was an off-handed reference to Stephen Fry guesting for an episode or two. Oddly enough, that simple fact allowed me to overcome my negative associations and give it a try. I have no idea which episode(s) he shows up in and don't aim to look it up so I will be forced to eventually watch it in its entirety.

Wouldn't do to have me cheat, would it?

To be honest, the pilot went pretty much as expected. Why? Because I figured it was a simple crime procedural... something that exists in dozens of examples across network and cable television at this very moment. And, to my eye, I was right.

That's not to say that Bones' pilot doesn't try and pull the average viewer in as quickly as possible. In the first minute, we are treated to co-star Michaela Conlin's lingerie as she attempts to extort arrival information from a rude gate jockey.

Yowza... and also cheap.

And that pretty much sums up the entirety of my thoughts concerning Bones.

Based on Kathy Reichs' novels, it's a stereotypical crime drama whose only appeal are its individual idiosyncrasies and hooks. With NCIS its Pauly Perrette and her eternally moe goth gal. With Criminal Minds, it's the Hannibal angle as the profilers inhabit the mindsets of their "unsubs."

For Bones' Temperance Brennan (Emily Deschanel), it's yet another lead with a weird personality who clashes with her everyman partner Booth (David Boreanaz). She's a genius scientist, and author, and a bit of a sex bomb... which makes a trifecta both for women to emulate and men to salivate over... while her opposite number does the same in reverse.

The fact that its ratings have generally been strong are of no surprise to me... but I'm not really inspired by anything save my creeping libido from the constant bevy of shots with Brennan in revealing tops (though, to be honest, I was more taken with Conlin's pink bustier).

This series will no doubt inhabit the darker recesses of my queue for quite some time, never really being watched, but never shoved away and removed, either. It still reminds me of those painful bits years ago and isn't all that thrilling a series, but sometimes you just want to rub salt in your own wounds.

Yes, that's it, I think... Bones brings out my inner masochist. Huh. Never would've considered that if not for the blog.

Until tomorrow, Potatoes~