Day Two Hundred and Ninety-six - Twin Peaks: Season 2, Episode 14, "Danger! Danger, Will Robinson!"

Hoo-boy, and I thought yesterday was a bad night for Twin Peaks and its second season doldrums. In comparison, it almost feels like a pleasant dream. We are quite figuratively reaching critical soap opera mass here in terms of terrible writing and loss of atmosphere.

Where the Agent Cooper of old would rely on obscure practices and folksy wisdom, he now pontificates on times past, reeling off exposition at the drop of a hat but never going anywhere with it. And it's not just him doing so. I've heard more cheesy soap monologues in the last forty minutes than I've heard in the entirety of the rest of the episodes previous combined... and they're bad ones at that.

What... is... happening?

It's like everything that made the series wonderful, mysterious, and stylish has been sucked out of the production like so much marrow from a bone (please forgive the horrendous simile). While the show only occasionally bordered on genius, at least you could always count on it to make you think or scratch your head in confusion at the wacky symbolism and visions. Or you used to be able to, anyway.

Guh.

Coop, newly deputized while he remains on suspension (despite being cleared of all charges), begins investigating the corpse that Windham Earle has left as his move in their chess game. Instead of throwing rocks at a bottle or something else equally ridiculous (but effective) all Cooper does is say he's at a loss... then confesses (in a monologue) to plot and backstory.

Then there's Doc Hayward who does pretty much the same thing about Andy and Dick's orphan problem child, Little Nicky, giving a long, rambling sob story that brings both men to tears. Add to that James and his stupid side story coming to fruition (with a monologue from his black widow lover) and I can't help but wonder if Lynch had literally run out of ideas and was just winging it with cliches and hack writing. Oh, and Leo is up and ambulatory... but more a Frankenstein's Monster than a Jack Torrence, lumbering about as he is with that axe.

Seriously... this is the worst prime time television writing that I have ever witnessed. I could almost forgive it for a meta sort of self-awareness, but they're betraying so much character development that had been building these past twenty or so episodes that I can't even blame the network for canceling. I think that I blacked out all memory of just how bad it got since the last time I watched the series (marathoning my sister's VHS tapes well over a decade ago).

I mean... wow... just, wow.

Thinking back, there's not a single moment of this episode that I enjoyed. The only thing that looked vaguely interesting was when Lucy swatted the fly and left a huge, bloody smear... but not even The Owls were able to pull me up tonight.

We're in troubled times, my friends. Troubled times, indeed, and I'm starting to feel desperate. The only thing keeping me sane is the light at the end of the tunnel that is November, but that will only bring upon me a new, even worse madness (NaNoWriMo). We'll see if I survive.

Until tomorrow, Potatoes~

Day Two Hundred and Ninety-five - Twin Peaks: Season 2, Episode 13, "Welp, I'm bored."

I find myself conflicted with this episode.

I want to write a long, poignant, inspired diatribe against the middle of the second season being weak and flaccid both in terms of story and writing, but I can't seem to find the energy. No, really, I can't. Even though it features David Duchovny both as Dennis and Denise, donning a suit to go undercover and catch Jean Renault and reverting back to transvestism to trick him for a second time.

I'm also kind of pissed that Major Briggs is visibly shaken by his ordeal wherever/whenever he went after the campout with Agent Cooper. Even when he first returned, last episode, he wasn't trembling with fear and doubt. Definitely not in character and that's supposed to be impactful, but instead it's annoying.

It's just... ugh.

James does the typically soapy thing and believes everything his new lover and her "brother" tell him, Bobby abandons Shelly to her caregiver duties while he tries to take advantage of a "golden opportunity" with apparently bonkers Ben Horne, and Norma and Ed are finally giving in to their urges, despite Nadine and Hank.

That's not to say there aren't a few moments here and there.

I really liked when Coop picked up the doughnut with a bite taken out of it, and it was pretty cute when Nadine hulked out and beat the crap out of Hank, but this was a pretty disappointing episode overall. It's a little intriguing, the corpse that Coop's ex-partner leaves at the police department, but I'm just not feeling it. Hopefully things will get better when Heather Graham shows up as Annie.

Either way, short post today... just nothing to talk about. Sad, really. Kudos to Leo for finally dropping the facade, though (or is it really him? Dun, dun, duuuuuuuuun!).

Until tomorrow, Potatoes~

Day Two Hundred and Ninety-four - Twin Peaks: Season 2, Episodes 11 & 12, "Mulder, you are a FOX!"

And here he is... it took almost twenty episodes, but tonight we finally get David Duchovny in his famous role of Denise/Dennis, the transvestite DEA agent who comes to investigate the frame job that Jean Renault and company are fitting Agent Cooper for.

I don't know if it has any merit, but I like to think that the work David did there in Twin Peaks directly resulted in his landing the role of Fox Mulder in the X-files just a year or two later. That's the head canon that I'm sticking to, anyway.

In any case, Denise comes to town and almost immediately knows the score, having worked with Cooper before in Oakland, but evidence is needed. Luckily for Agent Cooper, several clues fall directly into his lap thanks to an opportune (supernatural?) coin flip and a little insider info from Audrey, who has photographic evidence of Hank and Jean's new partnership. It seems Ben hired Bobby to follow Hank and Coop is the prime beneficiary.

Elsewhere in Twin Peaks (and outside of it), James takes an Easy Rider road trip, Josie attempts to make peace with Catherine and winds up an indentured servant instead, Nadine impresses the high school gym teacher with her preternatural strength and tries out for the wrestling team, Major Briggs teleports back into existence, and the Mayor's brother (Tony Jay) gets married and dies so quick it's hard to call Tony's role anything but a special guest appearance. I swear, the man gets barely five minutes of screen time before he's fitted with a toe tag thanks to overexertion on his wedding night. Hard to blame him, though, as it seems any male in his blushing bride's direct vicinity falls under a spell... and this includes both Dick and Andy (much to Lucy's consternation).

If you didn't know already from previous entries in our Twin Peaks Spooktacular, Denise is one of my favorite characters, along with Albert. Now that I think about it, if it weren't for new villain Windham Earle and Internal Affairs Agent Hardy (whom is played quite well by Clarence Williams III, but isn't a very sympathetic or fun character), it would be safe to say that all the FBI White Hats comprise my favorite characters... being Coop, Albert, Gordon, and Denise. They're all smart, odd, and gung ho about justice. My kind of people.

I also love how jealous Audrey gets when Denise interrupts their tête-à-tête. That rushed kiss to mark her territory is hilariously cute and Denise's questioning after her is a quaint little nod that deepens the context of his transvestism.

Can't say I'm happy with James' new storyline, but when am I ever? The whole femme fatale/damsel in distress routine is so blatantly obvious that I can't even role my eyes anymore. If I weren't watching the show for the blog, I would totally be fast forwarding every single moment of it... taking a cue from my sister, actually, and how she dealt with boring storylines in her soaps.

I'm also kind of ambivalent when it comes to the new Audrey/Bobby angle that is developing. Not only is he trying to put the moves on someone else, completely disrespecting Shelly, but going after Audrey? One can only hope it's just as it seems and she's using him to keep an eye on her father. Time shall tell, I suppose (or not... as I can't remember if that resolves before the series ended).

Boy was I ever glad that Major Briggs made it back safe... but it looks like, whatever story he has to tell, it's probably going to knock someone for a negative loop. With that uniform, you can only hope that it's time travel!

Until tomorrow, Potatoes~

Day Two Hundred and Eighty-seven - Twin Peaks: Season 2, Episodes 4 & 5, "Agent Cooper (and Sheriff Truman) to the Rescue!"

It's time to put our nose back to the grindstone here on Couchbound as we're two weeks into our Halloween Spooktacular and there are still plenty of episodes left in Season 2 of Twin Peaks.

Jean Renault and Blackie make their move against Ben Horne, as Jean delivers the tape of bound and stoned Audrey directly to Ben. He demands money... and Agent Cooper to hand deliver it. Ben, of course, shows Coop the tape, but doesn't make him aware that Jean wants Coop specifically.

Over the course of the two episodes, Cooper asks Truman for the best Bookhouse Boy for a special mission and gets... Truman. They head to One-Eyed Jack's, rescue Audrey, and Truman witnesses Jean cutting Blackie out of the equation, literally. Guess there's no honor among thieves.

Elsewhere, Donna and Maddie conspire against the sweet shut-in, Harold, as he has a secret diary of Laura's but refuses to divulge its contents unless it's on his terms. Bobby and Shelly continue their play for Leo's disability insurance while Leland willingly goes to trial for the murder of Jean's brother, Jacques. Hank and Norma try to spruce up the Double-R in advance of a food critic and a mysterious Japanese businessman offers Ben a large sum of money for the Ghostwood Estates project (more on "him" in episodes to come). Josie is back from her "shopping trip" (with a new nighty... rawr!) and receives her brother from Hong Kong as a guest, while Lucy continues to deal with her pregnancy/beau woes and Andy undergoes another fertility test.

I really like the brief addition of Royal Dano to the cast as the traveling circuit judge, Clint Sternwood. He's a surprisingly on the ball character who seems on par with Coop in terms of wisdom and intelligence... and doesn't seem to have an ulterior motive, which most new characters seem to carry of late. It seems for every new White Hat, there are three to four Black Hats to counter them.

On the flip side, I'm not all that impressed with Harold The Shut-in (let's just make that his title, shall we?). I get the feeling that David originally wanted this character's duties to be handled by Audrey's developmentally challenged brother, Johnny, but then thought the better of it when he figured that Donna would probably have to seduce the diary from him (or Maddie would have to don the blonde wig, again), and that sort of behavior wouldn't exactly engender sympathy for the supposed White Hats. To be frank, I was more interested in the creepy magic kid and grandma from one of Donna's other Meals on Wheels visits.

Still, Audrey's finally out of One-Eyed Jack's after being left there last season. Thank ZOD. I mean, honestly, the whole thing could've been wrapped up in that finale, but no... David just had to leave cliffhanger after cliffhanger to tease/guarantee a second season (too bad it didn't work for a third). Audrey being rescued is enough for me, though... well, that and Joan Chen in a nighty. Thank the spirits for Black Lingerie and Hawk... those two prayers not necessarily being connected.

Nothing really supernatural in these episodes, unless you count Nadine's super-strength and The Owls (who are not what they seem). More than a bit disappointing in that regard, but oh well.

Quick shout out to David "Squiggy" Lander who makes a brief appearance as a home healthcare salesman for a little hydraulic-assisted comic relief!

Until tomorrow, Potatoes~

Day Two Hundred and Seventy-three - Nude Nuns With Big Guns, "What a disturbing hybrid..."

...of grindhouse and soft-core porn.

No, seriously, that's what this film is, a movie that couldn't decide whether it was a skinemax "fapper of the week" or a revenge exploitation flick.

Set in the generic desert towns of southwest America where the only businesses appear to be drugs, the clergy, and the sex trade (and are all one and the same), Nude Nuns tells the story of a psychopathic lesbian nun who was been pushed over the edge thanks to all of the sexual and physical abuse she has endured at the hands of corrupt Catholic priests who are in collusion with some Sons of Anarchy wannabes.

It seems as if every priest and monk, even up to the diocese cardinal, himself, is a button-man or don in an organized crime ring that uses subservient nuns clothed only in their coifs (meaning they are, of course, nude from the neck down) to package and smuggle bricks of cocaine. Who buys these packs of uncut Lik-M-Aid is beyond me as I cannot recall a single exchange of anything besides the drugs and women that pass between the Clergy and the Gang every other scene.

For the most part, the movie is just an excuse to go from nude scene to nude scene as every woman in the film is either on display for all to see, raped, or murdered for the lamest of reasons (or, all of the above). Every girl is a lesbian until she wants dick... and, even if she doesn't, a penis is usually forced upon her.

I hate to say it, but this has to be the single most misogynistic film I have ever seen and there's barely any comeuppance for the perpetrators in comparison to the sheer amount of raping and pillaging that they do. What little revenge there is to be found barely makes a dent in the karmic backlog that Chavo and his compatriots owe the universe.

To be honest, the only positive I can find in the film, aside from the occasional grindhouse video effects such as artistic color saturation and comic book transitions, is the wailing sax soundtrack that makes up about roughly half of the score. It reminds me of Angelo Badalamenti's work in Twin Peaks and Lost Highway... all raw arpeggios and vicious chord structure.

I wouldn't be surprised to find out that there's a "European Cut" that's even more graphic as its almost shot like the vanilla, pay cable version of 90's era action erotica where they could but shift the camera a few feet and turn it into straight up rape porn. As it stands, the film is unrated (and, no doubt, would've garnered an NC-17 or X rating had they submitted it) for graphic violence, nudity, and strong sexual content.

In the end, I cannot forgive the massive amounts of gratuitous rape in this film. It's a touchy enough subject to have in film in the first place... but here it's apparently used to titillate and that I just cannot condone.

Stay away, folks... stay far, far away.

Until tomorrow, Potatoes~